march 15, 2004

abusive fellowships make it a sin not to follow their rules

The Bible offers us these examples of sin:

the cravings the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does
| 1 John 2:16 |

lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lover of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited,
lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God
| 2 Tim. 3:2 |

bitterness, rage and anger, brawling, and slander, along with every form of malice
| Eph. 4:31 |

sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed
| Col. 3:5 |

adultery, murder, stealing, coveting
| Romans 13:13 |

In abusive fellowships, sin is expanded to mean almost anything that the leaders do not like challenging leaders' actions, not obeying leaders' advice, disagreeing with leaders, questioning leaders, or openly criticizing leaders.

The most common non-Biblical idea that is planted in members' minds by abusive groups is that they are rebellious, hardhearted, or prideful when they decide not to follow the group's rules.

Breaking a rule is usually taken to mean sinning against God. This is coercion because these dedicated Christians will force themselves to follow agendas they would otherwise refuse to accept.

An important, yet subtle, rule is:

You should wait until both you and your discipler [or Pastor/Elder] agree before you actually make an important decision.

You are led to believe that you should get this confirmation so you will "know" that whatever you want to do is God's will. Actually, it simply means getting permission from the discipler. Responsible disciplers will not ask this of you (they know from experience that they have advised people wrongly in the past). Occasionally, the wise discipler does not "have peace" about a situation but he realizes that the disciple may be following the Lord's leading by not accepting advice. The abusive discipler presumes to know what's best for you. (Note: To "have peace" is a code phrase used by some groups and churches. It means that a person feels that God wills certain things and, thus, the person feels spiritual peace concerning these things).

the program of bondage

The hidden agenda of abusive discipleship is that you should not make decisions without both you and your discipler feeling at peace about it. They claim this will ensure that you will make fewer mistakes on your Christian walk. At first this seems to make logical sense: more accountability, fewer mistakes. What you do not realize, however, is that slavery may soon begin to develop. Once you agree to play this discipleship game, your discipler will be a major deciding factor in many of your choices because you come to believe that you are likely to be in sin if you act without the discipler's confirmation.

How nice of the discipler not to want you to make any mistakes in your new Christian walk. The discipler wants to help you. You probably feel grateful that someone cares about what you do in a world in which people often do not seem to care at all. This discipler may also say that he wants to make sure you find and follow God's perfect will, and that he is advanced enough to be able to help you with your decisions.

As long as all your decisions follow the discipler's agenda, you will get all the confirmation you could possibly want. You do not feel manipulated because you are making many decisions and are allowed to follow through. You see no control because your decisions either follow the path your discipler wants you to take, or the discipler may have no preference in a particular instance. When you veer off the "path," the controlling discipler may first try to subtly persuade you (and, if that fails, tell you) that you are in sin.

The non-abusive discipler, on the other hand, does not see you as less holy for rejecting advice in matters which do not deal with morals. There is no manipulation to make you feel guilt or sin for refusing to follow this type of advice. The abusive discipler does not expect you to always follow his advice either. But he is much more inclined to judge you as not humble, not broken, or not spiritual if you reject his advice in non-moral, or non-Scriptural matters. (Note: Non-moral matters are those which do not involve an issue of sin or innocence, such as selecting the color to use in painting the walls of your dining room, or whether to buy a two-door or a four-door car).

There are terms a discipler may use to guide the disciple back onto the desired path:

I do not have peace about it
I do not know if that is God's will
Let's continue to seek God's will about that

You are free to disagree if a non-controlling discipler uses one of these phrases. When they are used by an abusive discipler, however, these phrases are a kind of discipleship code that really means: "NO, NO, and NO."

The thrust of the program subtly implies - and you, as the disciple, believe - that you are probably in sin if you do not go along with whatever you are advised to do, regardless of whether or not the matter is a question of morals or Biblical mandates.

Did your discipler actually tell you "no"? Of course not. Isn't that sneaky? So sneaky in fact that disciples who are being controlled will nearly always swear they are never told what to do. Rather, they only receive advice. While this is often true, these victims do not realize that, under psychological pressure from their discipler, they may be making many decisions against their own God-given wisdom.

There are times, however, when sneaky is not enough and the controlling discipler needs to use a heavier hand (remember, we are not discussing moral advice). This is called "discipline." A disciple who refuses to yield will be chastened, rebuked, counseled, or will have some other Biblical-sounding word thrown in his face to get cooperation. This frequently involves being told he is not broken, not submissive, not obedient, or not humble. The disciple might be accused of being rebellious, not dying to self, not trusting enough, or being hard hearted. This labeling game usually works remarkably well in abusive fellowships.

The result is that you are compelled not to change jobs, go to school, date, get married, or do other things without first clearing it with your discipler. If he or she does not "feel peace" about it, then you do not really have permission to do it and will probably feel guilty if you go against your discipler's opinion.

I invite you to ask yourself, "Would I have played this game if I had known all the rules?" If you had been told at the outset that to be a disciple meant to obey practically all the advice from your discipler in every area of your life, would you have become involved?

The Bible does assert that we must obey the laws of God in all areas of our life, but jumping from there to the belief that church or group leaders must be obeyed in every area of life is questionable.

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