march 13, 2004

Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you [all] overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood. I know that after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you and will not spare the flock. Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after themselves. So be on your guard!

Paul, to the elders of the assembly in Ephesus
Acts : Chapter 20 : verses 28-31

For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven.

Paul, to the believers gathering together in Phillippi
Phillippians : Chapter 3 : Verses 2, 18-20

the discipleship game
how healthy fellowships begin to veer off course

Let's start by playing a game. Below are twelve items, six of which you are to pick:

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12

Suppose in those six choices, you only stumbled on one of the three items I did not want you to take. This is the only time I had to tell you that I did not agree with you. And, when you were on your last choice and you still had not picked item 5, I shared with you that God revealed to me the superiority of item 5. So you took it last. Five out of six times you got your choice, but you also benefited from my "divinely inspired wisdom" to make a good last selection.

You feel as though you are making up your own mind pretty well. You feel neither coerced nor controlled. In fact, you appreciated the help you got. In the end, however, I got what I wanted without your knowing it; and, of course, I was the one who told you had twelve choices and who directed you to select only six. I set up the rules of the game.

Abusive discipleship is played approximately the same way. Control over people is disguised as agreement with a discipler who, you are told, has your best interests at heart. Unlike the game, the choices are not trivial, but are more likely to be important: whom to marry, what vocation to pursue, and where to live.

Unlike the game, however, abusive discipleship results in unnecessary fear, shame, and guilt - and, most importantly, the rules of abusive discipleship are not Biblical rules.

In his letter to the Colossians, Paul warns of the foolishness of man-made rules:

Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom... but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.

The Apostle also admonishes us,

Do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon or a Sabbath day. | Col. 2:8-23 |

Leaders in most abusive fellowships will admit that their rules are different than those in most churches. The truth is because they feel they are closer to what an authentic Christian experience should be. I have heard many people compare the discipleship groups they were in to monastic orders or even the army. Some disciplers even draw the comparison: "We are God's Green Berets!" But when people are inducted into such orders or join the military, they know what they are getting into and know what the rules will be.

Ask yourself:
When did you agree to the rules?
When did you find out what the rules were?

The rules of abusive discipleship are not evident in the beginning. What is initially obvious is a great display of personal attention, love, and caring. This is what people usually (and understandably) find so attractive about such groups. They will call you even when no one else does, they will invite you out to dinner, they will tell you that they care. They will also tell you that you can grow much faster spiritually by having a discipler who is wiser (than you) in the Lord. They will impress upon you all the wonderful benefits of being a part of such a program. And they will teach you that Jesus did this exact same thing with his disciples. You will often be assigned a "buddy" to stand alongside and be your constant friend. It is often true that, with spiritual guidance, we can grow much faster. The problem is that, in some fellowships, spiritual growth accelerates for a short yet seductive period before being restricted by controlling techniques.

As your relationship with the abusive discipler develops, you find out there are rules - actually more rules than you might have expected. By contrast, there won't be hidden rules as you learn in healthy discipleship. From the beginning, the non-abusive discipler will lay out what is expected from you without intentionally withholding certain rules or ideas.

You may be led to believe that any violation of the discipler's rules can be a sin. This is part of the deceptive and hidden agenda built into the program. You begin to believe that it is actually sinful to not follow the rules once you have accepted the discipler as your buddy.

Once you become involved in a domineering program, you frequently discover it's considered sinful (or at least backsliding in your spiritual development) to break your commitment and end the relationship.

In a controlling discipleship, there are other ideas that are hidden from you. Aberrant discipleship teaches new meanings for such words as obey, submit, die to self, and brokenness. Their meaning is altered from the true Biblical understanding of these concepts. Abusive disciplers expand the meanings far beyond what the Bible teaches, to imply that, anytime you do not want to accept the advice of a leader, you are likely not broken, obedient, submissive, or dying to self. These non-Biblical definitions are usually concealed until the abusive disciplers feel you are trusted enough to accept their teachings.

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