Harris explains why many common habits of dating are sinful and/or lead to sin. He explains why it's best to wait to date until we are ready to pursue a serious relationship meant to end in marriage. This is a good book for hormonally driven adolescents that have listened to too many slow jams or watched too many korean dramas.

1. I do not believe that dating is sinful. Some people have sinned as a result of dating, but I don't think anyone can accurately say that dating in and of itself is a sinful activity. (13)

Part 1: I Kissed Dating Goodbye

Chapter 1: Smart Love

God's lordship doesn't merely tinker with my approach to romance - it completely transforms it. God not only wants me to act differently, He wants me to think differently - to view love, purity, and singleness from His perspective, to have a new lifestyle and attitude. (21)

I've come to realize that I have no business asking for a girl's heart and affections if I'm not ready to back up my request with a lifelong commitment. Until I can do that, I'd only be using that woman to meet my short-term needs and not seeking to bless her for the long term. (23)

If God sees a sparrow fall (Matthew 10:29), do you think He could possibly overlook the broken hearts and scarred emotions we cause in relationships based on selfishness? (26)

Chapter 2: The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating

1. Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily to commitment. (32)
2. Dating tends to skip the "friendship" stage of a relationship. (34)
Intimacy without commitment is defrauding. Intimacy without friendship is superficial. (35)
3. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love. (35)
4. Dating often isolates a couple form other vital relationships. (37)
7. Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person's character. (41)

Being fun on a date doesn't say anything about a person's character or ability to be a good husband or wife. (42)

Chapter 3: A New Attitude

Where, when, and with whom you choose to spend your time reveals your true commitment to purity. (50)

Part 2: The Heart of the Matter

Chapter 4: Looking Up "Love" in God's Dictionary

Being in love is a patchwork of a thousand indescribable moments. Nervous energy runs through your body whenever you think of that special person, which is every waking minute. You lose interest in the dull chores of eating, sleeping, and thinking rationally. (58)

Romance can thrill us to our core, but it's only a small part of true love. We've been playing in the sandbox - God wants to take us to the beach. (59)

By themselves, our feelings don't do others one bit of good. If a man "feels" love for the poor but never gives money to help them or never shows them kindness to them, what are his feelings worth? They may benefit him, but if his actions don't communicate this love, his feelings mean nothing. (63)

We think of love as something beyond our control and thus excuse ourselves from having to behave responsibly…Yes, we know we behaved rashly. Yes, we know we might have hurt others in the process, but we couldn't help it. We were in love. (64)

The world takes us to a silver screen on which flickering images of passion and romance play, and as we watch, the world says, "This is love." God takes us to the foot of a tree on which a naked and bloodied man hangs and says, "This is love." (64)

"What is my real reason for seeing this person romantically? What am I seeking that couldn't be found in a friendship? Am I selfishly seeking only my own fulfillment? What am I communicating to him (or her)? Am I arousing emotions I'm not ready to meet? Will he (or she) be hurt if I allow this relationship to proceed now? Is this relationship going to help or hinder his (or her) walk with God?" we need to start asking ourselves these kinds of questions. (66-67)

Chapter 5: The Right Thing at the Wrong Time Is the Wrong Thing

It gets down to this question: Do you trust God? don't just give a knee-jerk, Sunday school answer. Do you really trust Him? Do you live your life as if you trust Him? Do you believe that by passing something good now because it's the wrong time God will bring something better when it is the right time? (82)

Believe it or not, if we are discontented with singleness, we'll more than likely face discontentment when we're married. When we define our happiness by some point in the future, it will never arrive. We'll keep waiting until tomorrow. (83)

Chapter 6: The Direction of Purity

As long as they didn't cross the line and go all the way, they believed they were still pure. True purity, however, is a direction, a persistent, determined pursuit of righteousness. This direction starts in the heart, and we express it in a lifestyle that flees opportunities for compromise. (88)

If another person's body doesn't belong to us (that is, we're not married), what right do we have to treat the people we date any differently than a married person would treat someone who wasn't his or her spouse. (94)

Our culture has programmed us to think that singleness grants us license to fool around, to try out people emotionally and sexually. (94)

I won't stick around to see how much temptation I can take. God is not impressed by my ability to stand up to sin. He's more impressed by the obedience I show when I run from it. (95)

Instead of paying the role of the warrior, I played the thief, stealing their focus from God for myself. (98-99)

What will it take for us to see the beauty of purity? Purity is the entrance to the splendor of God's creation. "Who may ascend the hill of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart…" (Psalm24:3-4). (100)

Chapter 7: A Cleansed Past: The Room

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I Have Liked." I opened and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.

And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.

A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their contents. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed."

The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I Have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed At." Some were hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've Yelled at My Brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in Anger," "Things I have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes there were fewer than I hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my twenty years to write each of these thousands, possibly millions, of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To," I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuttered at its detailed contents. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.

Suddenly I felt an almost animal rage. One thought dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" in an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took the file at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.

I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?

Finally He turned and looked at me form across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.

"No!" I shouted, rushing to Him. All I could say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.

He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and continued to sign the cards. I don't think ill ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."

I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written. (105-107)

Part 3: Building a New Lifestyle

Chapter 8: Starting with a Clean Slate

The pastor A.W. Tozer once preached a particularly convicting sermon to his congregation. One person who heard it recalls that, had he so desired, Tozer could have filled the altar with a repentant, sobbing throng. But Tozer wasn't interested in a display of emotion. Instead of delivering the altar call, tozer told his congregation to quietly leave the service. "Don't come down here and cry about it," he boomed. "Go home and live it!" (118)

Chapter 9: Just Friends in a Just Do It World

In my opinion, our cultural obsession with entertainment is really just an expression of selfishness. The focus on entertainment is not producing something useful for the benefit of others but consuming something for the pleasure of self. And a friendship based on this self-serving, pleasure-seeking mind-set can easily slip into a similarly self-serving romantic relationship that meets the needs of the moment. (131)

Chapter 10: Guard Your Heart

To break out of this pattern of infatuation, we must reject the notion that a human relationship can ever completely fulfill us. (142)

Chapter 11: "You Don't Date? What Are You Nuts?"

We should communicate our convictions about dating with humility and from a desire to please God, not to put others down. (152)

Some people I know (including myself, I'm afraid) have expressed our standards for dating smugly and self-righteously. These attitudes are completely wrong. We communicate and live by our convictions in order to please God and serve those around us, not in order to feel superior or to look down on others. God hates pride and self-righteousness, and we should avoid those attitudes whenever we discuss our standards. (152)

Part 4: Now What?

Chapter 12: Redeeming the Time

We cannot ignore our current responsibilities and expect to magically gain the strength of character and virtue that will make us good husbands and wives. If we aren't faithful and growing in the relationships we have now, we wont be prepared to pursuer faithfulness and growth in marriage later. (170)

Chapter 13: Ready for the Sack but Not the Sacrifice

A friend once told me that the girls in her dormitory spent hours poring over bridal magazines. They'd choose their gowns and bridesmaid dresses. They'd endlessly compare engagement rings. My friend was exasperated that these girls devoted so much energy and attention to what is, in reality, a very small part of marriage. "Marriage is much more than a wedding ceremony," write Gary and Betsy Ricucci in their book Love that Lasts. "A wedding is an event, but a marriage is a state of being. It's not a one-time act; it's a lifelong commitment to be developed and maintained." (178-179)

Reverence means "a profound respect mingled with awe." Discretion means "discernment or good judgment." To do something advisedly means "to carefully consider" it. And to approach something soberly means "to be well-balanced, unaffected by passion, excitement, or prejudice."
Do these qualities define our approach to marriage? All too often the answer is "no." (180)

Marriage is a refining process. Conflict will occur in every marriage. When issues erupt between the two of you, it will be easy for one to blame the other. "If you would just leave the air conditioner on when it gets hot, I wouldn't get upset!" the fact is, you spouse won't make you sin. They simply reveal what's already in your heart. One of the best wedding gifts God will give you is a full-length mirror called you spouse. If He were to attach a card it would say, "Here's to helping you discover what you're really like. Congratulations!" (183)

Chapter 14: What Matters at Fifty

Both you and the person you marry must have a dynamic, growing, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. (191-192)

A girl who can't respect a teacher's or coach's authority will have difficulty honoring her husband. Look for, and strive to become, a person who respects God-given authority.

"The way a guy treats his mom is the way he'll treat his wife." (193)

There's a huge difference between genuine friendliness and flirtatiousness. Learn to distinguish between the two. Guys, if a girl flits like a butterfly from one guy to the next, always in need of male attention, do you really think marriage will suddenly change her? Girls, do you want to marry a man with a wandering eye? (193)

Habits
· How a person uses time
· How he or she handles money

As you seek a mate look for someone who will listen and act without hesitation to what God is telling him or her. (196)

An attitude of humility considers others' needs first. The Bible states, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves" (Philippians 2:3). Does the person you're observing place the needs of others before his or her own. (197)

An attitude of industriousness is one of willingness to work hard at whatever task presents itself. (197)

An attitude of contentment and hopefulness is one that recognizes God's sovereignty in every situation. It is faith-birthed optimism that looks to God - an attitude more aware of and grateful for the evidence of God's grace than of problems needing correction. (198)

Chapter 15: Principled Romance

Every time you feel attracted to someone, keep in mind that you're involved in three kinds of relationships: your relationship with the person you're interested in; your relationships with the people around you, including family and friends; and most important, your relationship with God. You have a responsibility toward each. (206).

If you really think about it, the need to blurt out our feelings is usually motivated by selfishness, not by a desire to enhance the other person's life. We want to know if our feelings are reciprocated, and we can't bear not knowing how the other person feels. (210)

If you think you're ready for marriage, but no one else who knows and loves you agrees, you should probably reconsider. (213)

Set clear guidelines for physical affection. (219)

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