In the sequel to I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris tackles the topic of courtship (dating to marry). Biblical, honest, and practical. It'll help you cultivate a sincere, God-honoring relationship.

When the Maker brings you your husband, you'll be aware that it was He who made you for each other and He who planned your meeting. (12)

Chapter 2: Why Dating Versus Courtship Isn't the Point

1. Joyful obedience to God's Word.
   If we are going to do things God's way, submission to His Word is nonnegotiable. (34)
   
2. The selfless desire to do what's best for the other person. (35)
   We glorify God in our relationships when we put our needs aside and base our decisions on what serves the interests of the other person. Listen to the kind of questions we ask when we're guided by a selfless desire to do what's best for another: Is starting this relationship now what's best for him? Will expressing all my feelings now serve her? Are my actions encouraging him to love God more? Am I communicating clearly and in a way that helps her? (36)
   
3. The humble embrace of community.
   if God's glory is truly our passion in a relationship, we won't be too proud to admit that we need help. (36)
   
4. A commitment to guard the sacredness of sex.
   When God's glory is the priority in a relationship, you'll find two people who view sex as something so precious that they refuse to let impatience and lust steal from it before marriage. (37)
   
5. A deep satisfaction in God.
   A couple committed to God's glory places their ultimate hope in God, not in each other. (38)

Chapter 4: Tell Me How, Tell Me Who, Tell Me When!

John Calvin wrote, "The evil in our desire typically does not lie in what we want, but in that we want it too much." (69)

Chapter 5: More Than Friends, Less Than Lovers

It's clear that we need to refine our definition of success in courtship. Getting engaged should not be our overriding goal. What should be?
I believe that in a God-glorifying, wisdom-guided courtship we have two central priorities. The first is to treat each other with holiness and sincerity; the second is to make an informed and wise decision about marriage. (83)

Chapter 6: What to Do with Your Lips

A lot of people assume that since they know how to talk, they must know how to communicate. (94)

Though our upbringing and personality are factors, we can't blame them for what's wrong with us. If our words are selfish, sinful, or uncaring, it's because we are selfish, sinful and uncaring. (98)

Conflict Resolution

1. Learn to express your feelings and frustrations honestly, but without accusing or attacking the other person (Proverbs 11:9)
   
2. Choose words, expressions, and a tone of voice that are kind and gentle. Don't use speech that could easily offend or spark an argument (Proverbs 15:1).
   
3. Don't exaggerate, distort, or stretch the truth. Avoid extreme words like never and always (Ephesians 4:25).
   
4. Give actual and specific examples. If necessary, make notes before you communicate. Stay away from generalities.
   
5. Commit yourself to seeking solutions instead of airing your grievances. Getting even isn't the goal - you want to get things resolved (Romans 12:17-21).
   
6. Listen to what the other person is saying, feeling, and needing. Try to detct his or her underlying concerns (James 1:19).
   
7. Refuse to indulge in bitterness, anger, withdrawal, or argument. Though these emotions are normal, indulging them is a sin (Ephesians 4:26).
   
8. Don't hesitate to acknowledge your own failure, and be quick to forgive the other person. Make sure you don't hold a grudge (Luke 17:3-4).
   
9. Keep talking and asking questions until you are sure that you both understand clearly what the other is saying and feeling. Encourage each other as you press toward a solution (Romans 14:19).
   
10. Train your mouth and heart until you can say the right thing at the right time in the right way for the right reasons! (102-103)

Chapter 7: If Boys Would Be Men, Would Girls Be Ladies?

God didn't make us to duplicate each other, but to complement each other. The point is not that Adam was better than Eve, just as God the Father is not "better" than god the Son, Father and Son are equal in essence, power, glory, and worth, but they have different roles; and the Son joyfully submits to the Father's will (1 Corinthians 15:28). So in marriage a husband and wife are equal even though Scripture tells the wife to joyfully submit to her husband's leadership. (111)

"Eve was not taken out of Adam's head to top him, neither out of his feet to be trampled by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him." - Matthew Henry (111)

In 1 Timothy 5:2, Paul tells the single Timothy to treat younger women "as sisters, with absolute purity." Notice he doesn't tell Timothy to treat younger women like "one of the guys." Timothy's masculinity is to be expressed in a unique way towards women: He is to view them as sisters.

What this teaches us is that our gender roles are important throughout our lives. (112)

Let's Be Men
First, I want to talk to the men. Men, we have our work cut out for us, and we need to take it very seriously. What business do we have pursuing a relationship with a girl when we still haven't figured out what it means to be a man? We owe it to the women in our lives, our future wives, and to God to figure this out.

Elisabeth Elliot, a woman I deeply respect, wrote to her nephew Pete, "The world cries for men who are strong-strong in conviction, strong to lead, to stand, to suffer. I pray that you will be that kind of man-glad that God made you a man, glad to shoulder the burden of manliness in a time when to do so will often bring contempt."

I want to be that kind of man. I have a long way to go. I fail more often than I succeed. I let my sin, my fear, and my laziness get the best of me. But I want to change. I know that God has made me a man for a reason. No matter what culture says, or even what some women say, I want to gladly "shoulder the burden of manliness."

It's not the easiest path. […] Biblical masculinity is neither passive or rudely aggressive. God calls us to be servant initiators-firm, but gentle; masculine, yet caring; leaders, yet servants. We're called to be protectors, not seducers.

Here are four practical ways you can do these things in your relationships with women.

1. Assume the responsibility of leading and initiating in your relationships with women.
Leading is a form of serving. When you provide direction, suggest ideas, and initiate conversation or activities, you're serving your sisters.

This doesn't mean that you treat women as if you were their husband and the one to lead them in important life decisions. Even during the season of courtship, this isn't your place. Until you're a woman's husband, she is under no obligation to submit to your leadership. If she has a Christian father, that protection and oversight should come from him. But while you shouldn't overstep your bounds, you can serve a woman (and win her trust for the future) by leading and initiating in small ways.

For example, you can serve your sisters by being the one to plan times together. This applies to courtship as well as friendships with women. My single friends Jacob and Ryan frequently plan get-togethers at their apartment. They do the work of organizing activities and inviting other guys and girls to participate.

One woman told me what a burden it is when her male friends sit around waiting for the women to plan everything. "I don't like it when a man sits there asking 'So what do you want to do?'" she said. "I want them to make a decision!"

The same principle applies in your courtship. Do you initiate conversation? Do you carefully plan your dates? Are you thinking ahead and directing the course of the courtship? It's your job to make sure that it's continuing to grow at a healthy rate. It's your responsibility to make sure you're both guarding your hearts.

As you can see, servant leadership requires work. It means sacrifice. It means going out on a limb and proposing ideas, setting direction, and inviting others to follow. It means listening, taking others' interests and needs into account, and adjusting as necessary. It means deferring to others at times. Leadership isn't tyranny; it's service rendered. It's difficult, but it's a big part of what it means to be a man.

2. Be a spiritual leader in your relationships with women.
Men, we should set the spiritual pace in our relationships with women.

We should be the ones to make sure our relationships aren't merely superficial and entertainment oriented, but deep, God focused, and characterized by biblical fellowship.

The first important step is to make your own personal growth in godliness a priority. Don't be content to be spiritually lukewarm-strive to set an example of passion for God.

My friend Joseph sets a terrific example in this area. When he's with a group of friends, at some point in the conversation he'll ask a question like "So what did you think of the sermon Sunday?" or "Can I share something God is showing me?" or "What's an area God is helping you to grow in?"

Do you know what Joseph is doing? He's initiating biblical fellowship. He's asking questions that help him and his friends share the new life they have because of Jesus. He's leading them in talking about the reality of God in their lives.

Joseph isn't a spiritual show-off. That should never be our motive. His goal is to serve his friends and enrich his own life. He knows how easy it is to let a whole night go by without having a serious, God-focused conversation. He knows that in fellowship he and his friends are truly growing closer.

Men, in marriage we'll be called to be the spiritual leaders of our homes. Before marriage, let's practice leading in biblical fellowship with friends and during courtship. Then we'll be that much more prepared to do so with our wives and children.

3. Do little things in your relationships with women that communicate your care, respect, and desire to protect.

This doesn't have to be complicated. Simply be a gentleman to the women in your life. Your goal is to show through your actions that their status as a woman is a noble one.

Let them feel your concern and respect in as many ways as you possibly can. You can do this through small actions: open the door for them, pull out their chair, escort them to their car at the end of the night. If you need more guidance, ask a few Christian women for pointers. You'll be amazed how willing they'll be to help educate you!

In your courtship, remember that you're not doing these things merely to impress or to win a woman's heart. You do these things for God's lorry. You do them to serve a sister in Christ and honor her as a woman.

(A brief aside to women: If you're just friends with a man, and he's trying to treat you like a lady, don't assume he has a romantic interest in you. One of the fastest ways to derail a man's attempts to practice servant leadership is to interpret his actions as romantic overtures. As my friend Jen put it, "Girls should assume that until a guy expresses interest, they're just friends.")

4. Encourage women to embrace godly femininity

Look for ways to encourage your sisters in godly femininity. When they make room for you to practice leadership, thank them. When they're humble and gentle, encourage them. Femininity is not a weakness. It requires great strength of character for a woman to be gentle in an age that screams for her to do otherwise.

When you see a woman going against the grain of culture by cultivating a skill that will serve her family someday, compliment her. When a girl is pursuing a demanding career, but is still being feminine, let her know that you notice. Let her know you respect her.

We men should be the biggest encouragers and prayer warriors for women who are seeking to glorify God by practicing godly femininity.

A Challenge to the Girls: Be Godly Ladies

Girls, I hope you're still reading. I know that parts of this chapter might have made you cringe. "Women are supposed to respond to godly leadership from men? Give me a break!"

I think I can understand how you might feel. I'm sure that you can think of ways these biblical truths have been misused and misapplied by domineering and chauvinistic men. I'm sorry that has been the case. Please know that there are many men today who want to spend their lives proving that that's not what biblical masculinity is about.

Don't give up on us. We need you support. We need you prayers. We need you to fix your eyes on God-not on the men who have misrepresented His plan-and live your life in response to His commands for you as a woman.

Here are four ways you can be sisters to the men in your life and practice mature femininity.

1. In your relationships with godly men, encourage and make room for them to practice servant leadership.

If a man' biggest temptation is to be passive, a woman's biggest temptation is to take control. The man isn't setting a course, so the woman grabs the steering wheel. It might fix things in the short term, but in the long run it only discourages men from playing their God-given role as initiators.

You can encourage men to be refusing to do the work of leading for them. What you want to avoid is developing a habit of initiating in your relationships with men. This doesn't mean that you never do so, but that it's not the normal pattern in your life. Neither does this mean that when you're single, you're supposed to submit to every man you meet. God asks a woman to submit only to her husband. But a single woman can, with men whose character warrants it, encourage servant leadership and respond to their initiative.

So id you're in a courtship, make room for him to lead. Step back and let him be the one to take charge. How else will he learn to lead? How else can you practice for the time when you will follow a husband?

Sylvia, who is in her thirties, gave me one example of how women can let men lead. "We ladies can be too quick to fill the silence in conversation," she said. "We're like 'Oh no, he's not talking! I need to say something.' But I think it's important for us to let there be awkward moments of silence so the men can step up and lead the conversation."

Want some more examples? Don't plan your times together. Don't be too quick to be the one who "clarifies" the relationship-"What is our status?" If at all possible, make him do it.

And, finally, be patient. Most of us men are pretty new at this. We usually aren't as skilled as you are at expressing our feelings. For a lot of us, courtship is the first time we've been expected to lead, communicate, and interact on an emotional level with a woman. Give us time. I'm grateful that in my courtship with Shannon, she gave me time to grow in my leadership skills. I made a lot of mistakes. (I still do!) I was often uncertain. But she didn't undermine my role or try to take over. Instead, she looked for ways to encourage me.

With God's help, you can do the same. When a man does lead, let him know you appreciate it. When he takes initiative in conversation, in activities, in fellowship-in any area-cheer him on.

2. Be a sister to the men in your life.

What are the categories you have for Christian men in your life-potential boyfriend, potential husband, no potential whatsoever? I encourage you to drop these categories. The first way you should view a Christian guy is as a brother.

Be a sister to the men in you life. Pray for them. Be yourself. Don't put up a front. Be a friend.

And remember, encouraging men to lead and to initiate doesn't mean that girls never start a conversation or have ideas for activities. My coworker Dawn and her three roommates make a practice of inviting a group of guys over for dinner every two weeks. They use these times to reach out to new people in their singles ministry and to develop friendships. Dawn and her roommates are being sisters to their brothers in the Lord.

3. Cultivate the attitude that motherhood is a noble and fulfilling calling.

Today many people scorn motherhood and the skills associated with managing a home. In our culture children are viewed as a nuisance, and motherhood is considered a waste of a woman's talents. A college counselor once told me that the majority of the female students she worked with secretly longed to get married and have kids, but they were too ashamed to admit it. What a tragedy!

Please don't believe our cultures lies about motherhood. If God has placed that desire in your heart, don't be embarrassed about it. The Bible encourages younger women to learn homemaking skills from older women. Learning to keep a home and love a husband and child is part of God's plan for the complete training of young women (see Titus 2:3). Don't hesitate to learn the practical skills that will one day allow you to serve a family. Search out godly mothers in your local church from whom you can learn.

You can possess biblical femininity without being married or having children. As a single woman, you can express your femininity by practicing hospitality and by caring for and nurturing the people in your life. But you can also honor God's plan for womanhood by agreeing that motherhood is a high and noble calling.

4. Cultivate godliness and inward beauty in your life.

A girl once wrote to tell me how God had used Proverbs 7:5 to convict her of being like the wayward woman who led men astray. "I don't want to be a seductress like her," she wrote. "I don't want flirtatiousness or immodest clothing to keep guys from seeing me as a sister in Christ."

If you want godly men to respect and cherish you as a woman, refuse to buy in to our culture's obsession with being physically beautiful and sexually alluring. This is an attitude that springs from the motives of your heart and extends to the way you dress and act around men.

Is your wardrobe an expression of your love for God? Shannon often says to women, "There's a big difference between dressing attractively and dressing to attract." What's your motive? Have you ever asked your father or another Christian woman to honestly evaluate your clothing? Are you willing to sacrifice fashion to be obedient to God?

During our courtship, Shannon honored me by always acting and dressing modestly. A few times that meant getting rid of outfits that she didn't think would cause a problem (Ladies, you'll never know just how differently we're wired until you get married!) Once when I told her that a particular pair of shorts were a little too short and were causing me to struggle, she quickly replaced them.

In scripture, Peter tells Christian women that their beauty should be that of their inner selves-"the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worthy is God's sight" (1 Peter 3:4). In commenting on this verse, John Stott writes:

The church should be a veritable beauty parlour, because it encourages its women members to adorn themselves with good deeds. Women need to remember that if nature has made them plain, grace can make them beautiful, and if nature has made them beautiful, good deeds can add to their beauty.

Grace will make you beautiful and will attract truly godly men to you. Make godliness and inward beauty your priority. (112-121)

Chapter 10: When Your Past Comes Knocking

"It is better to speak the truth prior to your marriage than to live with the fear, deceit, and shame that comes from hiding the truth from your mate."
Unless you are honest about past sin, you won't be able to understand the potential challenges you'll confront because of it. Neither will you be able to root yourselves firmly in the sustaining grace of God. (171)

Self-righteousness is also expressed by the person who refuses to accept God's forgiveness. "I just can't forgive myself," she says. "Maybe God can, but I can't." It might appear pious, but statements like these are really a form of reverse pride that says, "My standards are higher than God's." Instead of humbly acknowledging that her sin was against god and that only He can wipe it away, she tries to become her own savior. She tries to bear her own punishment, pay penance by wallowing in guilt or doing good deeds, or add to God's favor through obedience. (178)

Luther said that we carry his nails in our pockets. (182)

Your goal is to tell them early enough that they won't feel pressured because of promises they made before they got the information. For this reason, I think it's best to confess things of a serious nature before getting engaged. (186)

Chapter 11: Are You Ready for Forever?

1. Is your relationship centered on God and His glory?
Is Jesus Christ the Lord of both your hearts? A happy marriage is founded on mutual love for and submission to Him. Are you obedient to His Word? Are both of you striving to find your soul's satisfaction in God? If you aren't, you'll enter marriage with the false expectation that it will fulfill and complete you. You'll put unrealistic demands on your spouse by asking him or her to play a role only Christ can fill. (197-198)
2. Are you growing in friendship, communication, fellowship, and romance?
Friendship: Do you enjoy being together? Apart from your romantic feelings, do you have a solid foundation of friendship? Are there activities and interests that draw you together?
Communication: Have you grown in your ability to hear and understand each other?
Fellowship: Do you talk about spiritual things? Do you pray together? Do you love God more today as a result of your relationship?
Romance: Are you growing in your romantic desire for each other? Are your affections increasing?
3. Are you clear on your biblical roles as man and woman?
If you're a woman, ask yourself if this man is someone you could respect, submit to, and love…If you're a man, are you currently initiating and leading the relationship? Do you have the faith to lead this woman and serve her in love for a lifetime? You need to make sure that she can and will follow your spiritual leadership.
4. Are other people supportive of the relationship?
Have you had the protection and support of your local church in your courtship? Please don't move forward with engagement before getting counsel from people who know you well….
5. Is sexual desire playing too big (or too small) a part in your decision?
6. Do you have a track record of solving problems biblically?
Do you act like godly adults, or like self-centered children when facing disagreements, misunderstandings, or decisions? Failure to solve problems biblically shows up in lots of obvious ways. Do you manipulate? Do you avoid facing problems? Do you whitewash maters by pretending everything is ok? Do you store up resentments?
7. Are you headed in the same direction in life?
Are you in agreement about lifestyle issues like religious beliefs and practices, children, church involvement, and money? (197-201)
10. Do you want to marry this person?

A successful courtship is one in which two people treat each other with holiness and sincerity and make a wise choice about marriage - whether the choice is yes or no. (205)

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