man to woman

Let's Be Men
by Joshua Harris

Elisabeth Elliot, a woman I deeply respect, wrote to her nephew Pete, "The world cries for men who are strong-strong in conviction, strong to lead, to stand, to suffer. I pray that you will be that kind of man-glad that God made you a man, glad to shoulder the burden of manliness in a time when to do so will often bring contempt."

I want to be that kind of man. I have a long way to go. I fail more often than I succeed. I let my sin, my fear, and my laziness get the best of me. But I want to change. I know that God has made me a man for a reason. No matter what culture says, or even what some women say, I want to gladly "shoulder the burden of manliness."

It's not the easiest path. […] Biblical masculinity is neither passive or rudely aggressive. God calls us to be servant initiators-firm, but gentle; masculine, yet caring; leaders, yet servants. We're called to be protectors, not seducers.

Here are four practical ways you can do these things in your relationships with women.

1. Assume the responsibility of leading and initiating in your relationships with women. Leading is a form of serving. When you provide direction, suggest ideas, and initiate conversation or activities, you're serving your sisters.
   
   This doesn't mean that you treat women as if you were their husband and the one to lead them in important life decisions. Until you're a woman's husband, she is under no obligation to submit to your leadership. If she has a Christian father, that protection and oversight should come from him. But while you shouldn't overstep your bounds, you can serve a woman by leading and initiating in small ways.
   
   Servant leadership requires work. It means sacrifice. It means going out on a limb and proposing ideas, setting direction, and inviting others to follow. It means listening, taking others' interests and needs into account, and adjusting as necessary. It means deferring to others at times. Leadership isn't tyranny; it's service rendered. It's difficult, but it's a big part of what it means to be a man.
   
   
2. Be a spiritual leader in your relationships with women.
   Men, we should set the spiritual pace in our relationships with women.
   
   We should be the ones to make sure our relationships aren't merely superficial and entertainment oriented, but deep, God focused, and characterized by biblical fellowship.
   
   The first important step is to make your own personal growth in godliness a priority. Don't be content to be spiritually lukewarm-strive to set an example of passion for God.
   
   My friend Joseph sets a terrific example in this area. When he's with a group of friends, at some point in the conversation he'll ask a question like "So what did you think of the sermon Sunday?" or "Can I share something God is showing me?" or "What's an area God is helping you to grow in?"
   
   Do you know what Joseph is doing? He's initiating biblical fellowship. He's asking questions that help him and his friends share the new life they have because of Jesus. He's leading them in talking about the reality of God in their lives.
   
   Joseph isn't a spiritual show-off. That should never be our motive. His goal is to serve his friends and enrich his own life. He knows how easy it is to let a whole night go by without having a serious, God-focused conversation. He knows that in fellowship he and his friends are truly growing closer.
   
   Men, in marriage we'll be called to be the spiritual leaders of our homes. Before marriage, let's practice leading in biblical fellowship with friends.
   
   
3. Do little things in your relationships with women that communicate your care, respect, and desire to protect.
   
   This doesn't have to be complicated. Simply be a gentleman to the women in your life. Your goal is to show through your actions that their status as a woman is a noble one.
   
   (too often we fail at this task just to get a laugh or "humble" a sister who thinks they're a princess. We need to stop excusing our idiotic behavior and honor our sisters as they ought to be.)
   
   Let them feel your concern and respect in as many ways as you possibly can. You can do this through small actions: open the door for them, pull out their chair, escort them to their car at the end of the night. If you need more guidance, ask a few Christian women for pointers. You'll be amazed how willing they'll be to help educate you!
   
   Remember that you're not doing these things merely to impress or to win a woman's heart. You do these things for God's glory. You do them to serve a sister in Christ and honor her as a woman.
   
   A brief aside to women: If you're just friends with a man, and he's trying to treat you like a lady, don't assume he has a romantic interest in you. One of the fastest ways to derail a man's attempts to practice servant leadership is to interpret his actions as romantic overtures. As my friend Jen put it, "Girls should assume that until a guy expresses interest, they're just friends."
   
   (When we are told that girls need our protection, it is very easy to become proud and to think that somehow we are superior to women. We are not to lord it over them but to serve them humbly and often without recognition. Sometimes even girls will discourage us from trying to protect. We cannot respond by trying to assert our dominance as they really have no obligation to submit to us in every situation. Instead we must continue to humbly serve and protect while being careful to avoid disregarding their opinions and decisions. We must remember, to protect does not mean to control. It does not require you to tell them what to do. To protect is to defend from attack.)
   
   
4. Encourage women to embrace godly femininity
   
   Look for ways to encourage your sisters in godly femininity. When they make room for you to practice leadership, thank them. When they're humble and gentle, encourage them. Femininity is not a weakness. It requires great strength of character for a woman to be gentle in an age that screams for her to do otherwise.
   
   When you see a woman going against the grain of culture by cultivating a skill that will serve her family someday, compliment her. When a girl is pursuing a demanding career, but is still being feminine, let her know that you notice. Let her know you respect her.
   
   We men should be the biggest encouragers and prayer warriors for women who are seeking to glorify God by practicing godly femininity.
   
   (I think we often forget how many amazing qualities the women of God around us have. We need to recognize the intelligence, discipline, love, patience, faithfulness, and gentleness that they show and encourage them to develop these fruits instead of telling them of all the things they lack. What girls need most is security. Provide it instead of chipping away at it. Value your sisters.

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